Mired in English...Again!

Hello Friends!

Been a while, but a lot has happened! No fear - I'll post this stuff gradually!

I'm wrapping up a Level 3 ASL Class, and the progress is steady, but too slow for my preferences. Enter the Zen Way! The challenge is to figure out if I'm just being impatient with myself and the speed at which this kind of thing works; or if a tweak is needed. Perhaps a change or a different approach. As you may recall in past postings, I was encouraged to forgo speech in order to assist the brain to begin to think in ASL. I'm happy to report that it seems to have been a rousing success - up to now! The same feeling of being mired and not making progress, seems to have returned.

The feeling is so much like the last time, that perhaps this is a clue: something normal is happening, to give me a message. I spoke with my ASL teacher about trying to embrace ASL in this way, and she added some wonderful information to the accumulation pile!

ASL Classes are usually for the hearing! Mostly interpreters, followed by social service careers that work with the Deaf. Their goals are not the same as mine. As the classes progress, more emphasis seems to be on interpretation principles and working in these fields. OK, it's not that big of deal - I can work around this stuff, and even make use of most of it. The "cherry" was on my last test paper. I got "hit" for "simcom"! This is "simultaneous communication". In it's strongest form, it's when a person will use voice at the same time as signing. It's a controversial subject in the educational world, but that's not the gist of this article.

Even the Ethnically Deaf form the occasional word with their lips, at key times, to emphasize or specify a particular word. ASL is conceptual, and sometimes you need to be exact. This is sometimes done with fingerspelling, or by mouthing a particular word. My teacher is Deaf herself, and thought I was speaking and singing at the same time. Why? I have formed the habit of mouthing most, if not all of the words I'm signing. Doing so keeps the English Syntax alive, and makes thinking is ASL more difficult.

It was not hard to figure out why. I teach others around me, in the Zen Temple I live in, how to sign as well. I also live primarily in the hearing world. Most, if not all people, can lipread to some extent. When we sign, my simcom helps them know what I am signing. But I must confess, that communicating with pad & paper is growing wearisome, with so many people. It's slow, and tends to be on a grade-school level. Mature and intimate conversations are nearly impossible this way. I "feed" off of Meet-ups, classes and the few signers that visit. For a while, the level of conversation is kicked up a notch or two, limited by who signes the worst! :-).

My teacher firmly pointed to simcom, and encouraged me to work on not using it beyond the occasional word that needs it. So, my friends at the temple: I will be trying to use less mouthing of words. A few of you already lean-in as though my mouthing was going to yield some sound. Sorry about that! That's not good communication on my part. When I reviewed my video assignments, it was a real "wow"! Time for a change!

The request is not to point it out to me if I am doing it. (Imagine around 60 people a day correcting you for the same thing, every day!) My intention is to let you know that I will be attempting to cut out simcom, and that you should not look for it, expect it, or ask for it. I apologize to those who came to rely on it; but it has to go. Another reason for you to not worry about pointing out potential simcom, (unless, maybe you are an ASL teacher, or a skilled ASL person), is that there are about a dozen or so "words", sounds and Lip Shapes that the Deaf use, that are NOT English; called Non Manual Markers. Those I should and will use. Remember the sign I taught for "Alright!"? Two fists bounce once while mouthing "POW!" You may or may not hear the Deaf person make the actual sound "POW", but it's necessary for the sign.

P...

...O...

...W!

Passages II

To borrow a word popular in the 70's & 80's; Passages is the element today. Gail Sheehey was aware of the impermanent nature of all things, and that resistance to it can cause great suffering, when she penned those books. I've been most fortunate to experience this change, from hearing to Deaf, within a community that attempts to embrace change, rather than fight it. Being an old California beach bum from years past; experiencing the semi-random nature of surfing a wave comes to mind.

The body-mind can really put up a struggle sometimes, and resist change. Time to get the surfboard out! When we ride an experience like Resistance-to-Change, we can give up trying or hoping the wave will not come, and when it does, we need not fight it's passage. Like a wave, a karmic passage sweeps toward us as a natural and unchangeable thing. Neither good, nor bad. Whether you believe it's controlled by a higher power or not, does not matter. It comes, crests, breaks, dissipates, and is gone. That particular wave was unique, and will never happen again in exactly the same way. It was just for you! To further the analogy, one eventually learns to get on top of the wave. The view is clearer up there, but the change is constant, and trying to hold the crest like that only results in a premature wipe out. When we do fall off too soon - more often than not - the best way, I found, to avoid injury and expending energy uselessly, was to relax, and let the wave wash over, and churn you under. There is no way you will be able to resist that kind of force - and really there is no need to. That force is Reality! The wave will end as reality changes to the next moment. As we feel the energy of the wave dissipate, swimming to the surface is easier, and we're ready to try again.

This past month has been a series of "surfing lessons" for me. It became apparent as I read the past blogs and looked back at my notes and letters to, and from, other people. Predicting what wave will do, in hopes of preparing for it, can just as easily wipe up out, as much as not paying attention can. Trying to anticipate in ways that are not grounded in practicality is little different that not paying attention to the here and now.  Advance preparation is a tricky thing for a Zen practitioner, and must have it's roots in the here and now, with liberal quantities of flexibility, letting go, and rolling with change.

To paraphrase in the extreme: "That a person goes forth and surfs the wave, is bogus, dude! - That the wave comes forth and surfs itself is totally righteous!"

  

Can you change your Culture?

Like koans often do, last months blog (The Koan of Oralism), led to another koan! One of the most difficult things I find in Zen practice is embracing the question above any answers you think you might get.

The new question is one of culture. Everywhere I go in the Deaf community; even the fringes, such as an ASL class, or a hearing event offering accessibility to the Deaf, the subject of Deaf culture usually arises. Like the old commercials of E.F. Hutton ("When E.F. Hutton talks, people listen"), I find myself paying particular attention. 

The choice to actively change something like ones culture suddenly struck me as a potentially silly thing to to do. For about a week I sat with this. Last week, in the Buddha Hall, while sitting and feeling the chants, I opened the sutra book to reflect on a random passage. The Genjo Koan greeted with the following passage:

"To carry yourself forward and experience myriad things is delusion. That myriad things come forth and experience themselves is awakening." 

The passage immediately linked itself to the question that was waiting patiently in mind. Answers can be such a joy when they address a practical aspect of our lives. The esoteric ones are like a good brownie. They are fun to eat, and give us an occasional diversion; but practically, we need food to survive! This was something I could use.

Now, the idea of being true to how you identify made more sense. And that old bad habit of pleasing others & fitting in was going to be confronted again! The real blessing of having so little information available to the Profound Lated Deafened Adult, is that a certain level of pioneering is required. That's adventurous! The flip-side, is that  other "pioneers" have a different idea, and more often than not, want to set the standard. Setting the standard; any standard, allows us to feel more secure; that we're doing the right thing. The problem with this, is that we can travel a long way in useless directions before we realize our delusion. A real bummer if your goal is to GET somewhere. Not so bad, if you are in to experience the path itself. 

So what needs to be done now?  Allow Deaf Culture to arise as consequence of best effort! Despite the common ground in Deaf Culture, there are not only sub-cultures; but there are individual expression to Deaf Culture as well. 

Identifying as big-D Deaf has been a tremendous boon in adapting, and re-creating my personhood. The doubt is strictly on the outside, and comes into play when I go beyond listening and respecting others opinions within boundaries. Instead of using their data to enhance my own, and discarding the rest; it's easy to glom on to other's ideas when you are afraid, alone or frightened. Eventually those emotions consume their fuel, and you are left with the responsibility of your own mentoring.

The Koan of Oralism

Hello friends;

First posting since August. Sorry about that. About September things came to crossroads with Deaf practice. A two-fold "crisis of thought". I've been holed up in my thoughts for the last few months. My ASL studies were terribly stalled, and interacting with both the Deaf and hearing was was becoming increasingly difficult. I could not communicate well with either group! (These two topics are closely related, so please bear with me.) Both my ASL & communications difficulties were actually revealing something. An inner battle was raging, and was manifesting itself in surprisingly logical manner.

My last class at Gallaudet gave me the first clue. Talking is prohibited on the campus. All the time! Isn't that amazing?! That policy would plant a seed that I'll get to in a moment.

I carry around a small dry-erase board. Originally, it was for people to jot me a note. I could talk to them, but they had to write a note to me. This worked; but was a bit frustrating at times. Because I opened a voice-dialog, they naturally spoke back, and I had to explain the situation. I could talk to them, but they had to write a note to me. Even after explaining, it was hard for them to remember, and would often start speaking when it was their turn to communicate. I guessed that was the way it had to be.  At the same time, my ASL progress was slowing way down. After months of this, one Deaf friend unintentionally set me on a path that would have a profound effect. I was sharing this dilemma with him, and he just laughed, clapped me on the back, and said (in sign of course), "you're Deaf! You need to stop talking!" My talking and having others write notes was unequal and unfair. Try to imagine talking, even loudly, and not hearing even a little bit of your voice. Voice naturally becomes an outside means of communication. A second language, if you will.

That's a most controversial statement, though I did not realize it at the time. Oralness in the Deaf community is a hotly debated topic. After some study and taking to a few more people, I decided to take a weekend and not talk. The difference was amazing to say the least! People immediately stopped trying to talk to me, but more importunely, they were beginning to experience me as Deaf. I stopped talking to myself too. And tried signing to myself. (Yes, I'm one of those people who talks to himself!) As an added bonus; a surprising number of people started signing to me! Glorious connection!

The ASL picked up again, and my dealings with people carried a lot less stress. Part of me celebrated this deeper step into identifying as Deaf. Part of me is putting up a fuss. I have had input from every camp since! From "You grew up hearing, you'll never be Deaf" to "Yes, you're Deaf - this is choice is natural for you". And everything in-between! While Zen Practice is best not thought of as a "self-help" program, it has a way of shining a light on our habits and inner-programming. Programming that worked for survival as a child, but hampers our growth as adults. Other's opinions carry a lot of weight with me. Too much, a lot of the time. There is nothing like falling into a vat of hotly debated Deaf issues to stir up a face-to-face meeting with dealing with others opinions. While others opinions is how we learn about our selves and others. Taken with undue authority robs us of living our own life.

So that brings us to the here and now. I have been living without speech for many months now. So far so good. Those around me who are well-studied and familiar with Oralism and Deafness, Audism and issues of being Deafened late in life offer me their opinions. Thank the universe, they are opposing opinions! It's harder to lend too much weight to their opinions when, despite their "credentials", they don't agree. I was really taken aback when a close late-deafend friend advised me to not identify as Deaf, because I was raised hearing. Fortunately, a Deaf friend disagreed strongly. Amazing! But it put the responsibility squarely on my shoulders. Even mu counselors keep saying "how you choose to identify is up to you". Not always a welcome statement she you want other's to make your choices for you. That often-said statement often evokes dual feelings of joy and frustration, as I battle with living my own life, versus the illusory comfort of relegating the decisions to others. I have chosen not to use my voice since that weekend, and it still feels right, 5 months later.

The main point?

There is a lot of Deaf Culture support, and even a lot of Late Deafened support. But there is relatively little information about the late Deafened Adult who identifies as Deaf. There is some, and it's fascinating!  The Deaf world is far more diverse than I ever imagined. That said, any and all opinions are welcome.

Wanna hear somthing really strange?

Last night  I had a dream! I could hear things in the dream. It seemed real enough that I remember thinking about how things would be different again. Guess I can cancel that video phone? What if it's temporary? ANOTHER change!? On and on it went! Peoples voices  & music was playing nearby.

Slowly, I began to wake up. So slowly in fact, that the dream state stayed with me for a few seconds, and I was still 'hearing" the music. Then, fully awake, all was silent again. It was Sunday morning now, and as I dressed, I tried using my voice to see if it was there. Nope. I walked downstairs to make breakfast, and sort milled around, trolling for sound. Closing doors, coughing, and flushed the toilet. Nope, still Deaf!

I did not share this because it evoked any transitional emotions like loss or depression. Surprisingly, it did not. No, it was fascinating because it was so realistic. If another Late Deafened Adult reads this, maybe they'll breath a sigh of relief; "oh, it's normal..." I assume it was just my body/minds way of processing. This processing also occurs when I'm awake. "Phantom sound"? More than once when I see captioning on TV, It appears that I can hear the sound in my mind. Until I turn off the captioning. I could swear I heard that glass break as I watched it land! Nope; if I'm not looking, the sound is not there. I learned to tell this by observing that the perceived sound was usually of the wrong volume, and on top of that, other sounds, louder ones, were missing completely, when they should have been there, had I heard them. I paid a visit to AllDeaf  - a blog/forum for all things Deaf. Sure enough! A common and powerful phenomenon for the newly Deaf!

This has proven to be a good hands-on study of the mind. It shows just how often and easy it is to relegate ultimate reality to the way we perceive things with our senses and our thoughts. From a Zen Perspective one wonders what else is out there that we believe, solely based on our senses?

Entering Resistance - Vibrations of Music

Hello Friends;

I guess I've known in my head, oh - decades now - that music is different for a Deaf person. During my hard-of-hearing years, I recall enjoying feeling the sounds I could not hear, mixed with the base tones I could. It was cool, and I never passed up a chance to do so, often taking a balloon with me to help the experience. A year ago, the base sound had all but gone too, and music sort of dropped off with me. Several months ago, I tested myself musically to see where I was at. The base tones were gone too, now, and I began experimenting with putting headphones over my temples and over a shoulder. I could feel the music. This comes in handy with movies, and lets me feel the explosions, screams and louder stuff.

Last night, I became aware that I had set aside what little music I was enjoying with a feeling of resistance. Maybe even anger and self-pity. I've always been a fan alternative music, and discovered a couple of months ago that all the Ray Lynch, Enya, and other New Age, was completely gone. That music not only tends toward the synthesized, but relies heavily on the higher notes as well. Both of these ranges disappeared long ago. I miss that kind of music, and realized that I was resisting trying to feel New Age & Classical music, as this would require letting go and mourning another loss.

Barn Owl played some music last night, here at Zen Center. It's genre is listed as Blues / Psychedelic / Trance. OK, this should be interesting! I chose to sit on the bare floor, "lodge" style. You know, that way we tell mediators NOT to sit? For music, lifts the shins and knees for me hold, and the whole arrangement forms  a sensitive position where it's easy to feel the different vibrations. (I was fresh out of balloons.) Not good for Zazen; but great for feeling sound.

jp/ec vancouver 2009. thanks Heidi

As they warmed up, I adjusted and moved and was able to feel it out. I did  not know what the genre was until I looked it up later. I was curious because it was two guys with guitars and and array of a dozen odd & colorful looking boxes arced out in front of each of them. All through the performance their attention was as much on these boxes' buttons & knobs, as they were on the strings. It was sort like getting to watch the painter paint the art, rather than looking at the finished work. It lent more to  my experience.

I think the songs must have been vastly different from one another. The first, the intro, I felt mostly through the floor. Oddly, I felt nothing through the floor after that. The second was felt in the chest, and knees, as I am accustomed to, and has a nice beat. The third was the highlight and was something I did not expect. I think it was enhanced because I could hear nothing of the music at all, and my attention was thoroughly into the sensations. Different parts of my body started vibrating with different parts of the songs! Thighs, shins and places my jeans stretched tight. Then my organs began to alternate! Lung lobes, then kidneys, heart, bronchial branches, collar bones, and some organs that must have been the liver or stomach. All  with a pattern! It was timely and organized. Quite a novel experience! The last song seemed to be in the skull and mastoid region, finishing up with the legs.

Music is not only sound, but vibration and visual as well. My clinging to music as sound was several layers deep. Below wanting to hear it, was the fear/belief of a boring simplicity in the vibrations, below that the need to let go of what I cannot change, and below even that, the need to just feel the loss of the sound of music, letting it have it's birth, life, and death, opening the door to experiencing music in a new way.

Almost time to blog again...

Well, the world turns, and seasons change. The same happens in our lives. It's nearly time to look again, and see what's here. I took a break for a while, after returning from Gallaudet, but life doesn't do that. At least not from itself. It just moves along. I thought I was losing my idealism and hopes for this new life. The reality is, it's the expectations and perceptions of the way I want things to be, that are being buffeted. Time to look at things as they are. See you soon...